Attending a Service

People often hesitate to attend a visitation or funeral because they are afraid of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or intruding on a family's grief. In almost every case, showing up is the right thing. Families remember who came far longer than they remember what anyone said. This page covers the practical questions we hear most from friends, neighbors, and coworkers in DeMotte who want to pay their respects and are not sure how.

Flowers, Food, and Memorial Gifts

Flowers sent to the funeral home before a visitation are always appropriate, and a plant or arrangement sent to the home afterward tends to arrive when the house has gone quiet and the family notices it most. If the obituary names a charity and asks for memorial contributions in lieu of flowers, follow that request. Food is the other quiet standard around here, and dropping off a meal in a dish the family does not have to return is a kindness. If you are unsure what a family has asked for, call us and we will tell you.

You do not have to say anything profound. "I am so sorry" and a handshake or a hug is enough, and a short specific memory is even better, because it tells the family their person mattered to someone outside the house. Avoid explaining the death, comparing it to your own losses, or reaching for phrases meant to make the grief smaller. At a visitation, sign the register book so the family has a record of who came, keep your visit brief if there is a line behind you, and dress the way you would for church unless the family has asked for something different.

The hardest stretch usually comes after the casseroles stop and everyone else goes back to normal. If you want to be genuinely helpful, be the person who calls in week six, who remembers the first birthday and the first anniversary, and who offers something specific rather than "let me know if you need anything." Mowing a lawn, driving to an appointment, or sitting through a Saturday afternoon asks nothing of a grieving person and means a great deal.